my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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