You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
