I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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