I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
