I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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