apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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