I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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