So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
