I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
