I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
