i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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