I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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