I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
