I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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