I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The cops high fived after they tackled you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
