I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
