She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
farters have to be the big spoon...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
