It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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