Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
