I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
