You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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