I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I deserve this hangover.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
