she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
