I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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