Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
