Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
