Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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