Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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