That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
