Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
