omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
