do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
