I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
