Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
