My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
