i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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