I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
