He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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