I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
