she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
