I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
