i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
