Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
