fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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