just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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