Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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