conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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