so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
