someone threw a dead crab at me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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