I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
